Pokémon at the Titty Bar

New Year's Day 2024

The men sat silent, solemn, and erect. Their dollar bills sliced through the spotlights like throwing knives. This wasn’t the musty little crevice I was expecting. The seats weren’t sticky. The drinks weren’t cheap. And the ceilings? They were nearly palatial. It felt less like a 'titty bar' and more like a temple of worship.

The vibe was clear when we walked inside to find a front lobby—velvet-curtains, an expensive houseplant by the front door, a receptionist check for IDs—they took ApplePay for the cover charge. The whole affair was more organized than a doctor’s appointment.

My friends seemed just as shocked as I was. The humility of the building’s discreet exterior deceived us. We were forty minutes outside of the city—teetering on the edge of the asphalt jungle—cars blew right past us, flinging themselves off the highway into the canyons of suburbia. We were nowhere.

As the bouncer wrist-banded us, Dean hummed a little jingle.

“Ti-tty bar… Ti-tty bar…”

I wanted to shush him. Smack him on the back of the neck as a cue. We were in too sophisticated of a place to use a word like “titty.” The bouncer beat me to it. He turned to Dean, flexing biceps bigger than our skulls.

“Do not say that again. This is a gentleman’s lounge.”

We looked at one another like scolded children.

“Follow me,” the bouncer continued, and he led us through the velvet gates.

It was magnificent. A giant stage unfurled itself through the center of the room like a tongue and, at its tip, a single pole shot out into the unreachable ceiling. The walls were lined with tiered seats like a stadium and mini-stages hovered in the corners like satellites. The light was as moody as a Cheesecake Factory, and the air was as crisp as an Apple store. Erections sounded expensive.

I scoped around the velvet temple. Spotlights danced around the entire club. Private room here. Changing room there. DJ booth above.

Off in the corner, on one of the satellite stages, a woman wrapped herself around a pole. She was glamorous. Crystals sequined the lacing of her lingerie and when the twirling spotlights grazed her, she refracted with an elastic grace. I watched in awe as my legs trembled.

Her eyes were half-closed. Her mouth was half-open. It revealed a tongue piercing that glittered in the dark. She was a snake around a branch, winding her body around the stiff metal as if it were second-nature. Suspending herself upside down, ankles locked behind the pole—she squeezed her tits together and released a silent moan. I looked to my left. Then to my right. Gulp. She’s staring dead at me!

Hypnotized, I stumbled closer.

When I got to her platform, the muscles in her open thighs contracted. Her abdomen was tight. God that must burn. Her panties had sparkles on them too.

“Hi!” I waved.

She arched an eyebrow and flipped right side up, sliding into a kneel on the floor of the stage.

I stuck my hand out and introduced myself, “What’s your name?”

Her grip was skeptical.

“I’m Eevee,” she answered before slipping two fingers into her cleavage.

“Like the Pokemon?” I asked.

Eevee excavated a green Elf Bar from between her breasts.

“Like the Pokemon.”

I suppressed a burp.

“I’m with that group over there” I gestured to my friends, now sat by the main stage. In the distance, they looked young and lost.

She raised her brows, indifferent. The bottom of her vape flashed a blinding green light on me as she puffed. She was tense, eyeing me like a detective attempting to deduce my ulterior motive. A dense white cloud crept out between her lips. It smelled like green apple.

To ease her suspicion, I leaned in close with a smile that said Don’t worry, and a whisper that said “I’m gay.”

She smiled, blowing a raspberry that cracked through the room like a gunshot. No one seemed to notice. With an exhale, her shoulders slouched and her stomach loosened into rolls.

“So what the hell are you doing here?” she asked.

“I don’t know… It’s New Year’s Day…” I grinned, “and I needed something to do. My friends and I were drinking and… they’re straight and… I guess this felt like a bucket list experience, y’know?”¹

The lights dimmed slowly, like a movie theater before the trailers.

“Looks like the show’s starting” she gestured to the main stage with her chin. Her hands gripped her thighs. She massaged them with her thumbs.

I swayed in place. My tongue was dry, like a piece of cardboard. My breath reeked of Kirkland vodka.

“Can I ask you something?” I whispered. Overhead music began to play. It made the carpet vibrate.

Eevee puffed her Elf bar again and leaned in close. Her massive jugs sparkled in my face. I didn’t know if it was rude to look so I stared into her eyes. They were brown and glazed over.

“What’s your favorite Eeveelution?” I asked, terrified of breaking eye contact.

She leaned back. Her sparkling breasts faded out of sight. I sighed in relief.

Eevee is a basic Pokémon, a little brown fox with no real special qualities. Its popularity and significance lies in the fact that it can evolve into up to 8 different stronger forms, adapting perfectly to the environment its raised in, no matter how harsh.

A man’s voice shook the room. He announced that a dancer named Elizabeth was coming onstage. The spotlights all flew to a dainty redhead strutting toward the main-pole. Her skin was milky and pale. I wondered if I was supposed to clap.

“None,” Eevee finally replied.

I turned to her with furrowed brows.

“Everyone wants Eevee to change,” she explained, “to be some different, better version of herself. Not me. I like her just the way she is.”

We were silent for a while. Elizabeth did flips through the air, her body nimble as a ribbon. This is like Cirque Du Soleil! She undid her bra and bills flew at her like confetti. They fell to ground in tired wisps. It reminded me of the way fireworks fizzled out after they exploded.

“Can I ask you one more question?”

Eevee nodded.

I pointed between her legs and pursed my lips. She smiled and spread them open. My hand crept in. It was warm. My pinky accidentally grazed her inner thigh. Eevee didn’t notice. She just stared at Elizabeth with a proud look on her face.

I slipped my hand out clutching her Elf Bar, took a deep puff, and swallowed.

Snapping out of a daze, Eevee sat up straight, sucking her stomach back in.

“I’m going up soon.”

“I’ll make sure to cheer for you” I replied, handing her vape back.

She hopped off her platform and walked into the distance. Her asscheeks jiggled with each step. I should probably start doing squats again, I remember thinking as I rubbed out a knot in my thigh.

“Where were you?” my friends whispered as I sat down next to them. I shrugged. My mouth tasted like green apple.

“Just talking to one of the dancers.”

Elizabeth’s show was over and she picked up cash from the stage floor. Naked and on her knees, she looked like a farmer in harvest. Without asking, I took a sip from Dean’s beer. He didn’t notice. I realized he was probably hard and I chuckled.

I checked my phone. Midnight. It was already January 2nd.

I thought about my resolutions, and wondered what spending my first day of 2024 in this oasis of flesh and velvet might set a precedent for.

The DJ announced that Eevee was coming onstage, and a slick R&B track began to play. There was a soft tap on my shoulder. It was Elizabeth.

“Do you want a lap dance?”

“Oh, um. No thank you.”

She seemed offended. With a wheeze, she squatted down next to me anyways. Jeez, she must be sore.

Eevee strutted on stage and hoisted herself up the pole with a single thrust of her hand.

I hollered.

“WOOOOOH!!!”

And clapped.

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

Elizabeth smiled and cheered with me.

“YEAH!!!!”

The men around us sat silent and solemn, undoubtedly no longer erect.

Eevee’s countenance broke from a seductive daze into a wide grin. She threw her head back and dived into the upside-down position I first met her in. Ankles locked tight behind the pole. Abs defined in the spotlight. She undid her sparkly bra. This time I stared and flashed a thumbs up.

“I hope I’m not being rude,” I whispered to Elizabeth and gestured to all the men around us, “I don’t wanna like, disturb the ecosystem.”

Elizabeth smiled. “You’re not being rude. We cheer for each other all the time.”

I looked back at Eevee. She squeezed her tits together, staring directly at me. Her eyes were still half-closed, but this time her mouth was fully open. Suspended upside down, thigh muscles contracted, hair dangling, tongue piercing glittering—the routine was exactly the same. Except, this time, she was laughing.

1. This entire day was a crazy whirlwind and filled with interesting people and events. I wanted to encapsulate everything in this piece but I think that focusing on my interaction with Eevee made for the most concise story. I’ll probably write about this night again sometime in the future, with a focus on the details that I’ve left out.